I said YES, how do I now say NO???

You know the mind spin that your head goes through when you are sitting there….. trying to find the reason or excuse you are going to use to say no after you confidently and enthusiastically said yes!

In the moment you said yes with such energy and excitement, but now the situation has changed, and the thought of going back on what you’ve said gives you butterflies inside your stomach.

This could be in relation to a work opportunity, a soci

al meeting, or anything really that you have said yes to.

As you sit there thinking and overthinking about how you are going to deliver your message, the worries and fears about how you will be perceived start to creep in. Suddenly you find yourself writing and rewriting your email or message to deliver your “no” in the softest way. Your brain starts trying to talk you out of saying no at all, and the thought of letting someone down starts to weigh on you...... So you think.... and think.... and think about what you want to and should do.

Can you relate?

Well let me tell you that your reaction is to be completely expected. Studies of the human brain have shown that it makes no distinction between physical pain and social rejection. We are social creatures and when you look back at the history of evolution, we depended on social relationships for our survival.

The thing is, if you let this reaction get the better of you, what it can lead to is:

• Not saying no and finding yourself spread thin, exhausted and stressed

• Lying to help you say no, which can then backfire

• Saying no in a nice and soft way, but then beating yourself up for not backing yourself more

The key is being able to say no with integrity and poise. Through doing so you keep, and can even strengthen, your relationships through your honesty, and ultimately act with respect for yourself and others.

My tips to saying no with integrity and poise:

1. Communicate early – once you know that you need to say no, provide your message early rather than thinking about how you will deliver it

2. Don’t try and overexplain or create excuses – whilst it is appropriate to apologise, stick to the facts and be truthful

3. Use the positive no – offer an alternate solution, timing or person that could help

4. Think about the opportunity cost - If you say no, what will you be able to say yes to?

5. Start with baby steps – start saying no in situations that you feel safe and prove to yourself that it’s ok

6. Include some verbal communication – whether it’s to deliver your message in the first instance, or a call directly after a written message is sent, verbal communication shows respect and helps to maintain the relationship.

So now it’s time to stop beating yourself up, even the best laid plans and intentions can require you to go back and say no. Although this is not something you want to be doing on a regular basis, when required, approach the situation with integrity and poise. The tips here will help you communicate a concise, clean and honest message to help preserve your relationship and maintain your self-respect.